Hoikas’s Hole

Goodbye, 2008. May Yahvo receive your soul.

Duck Knee aside, 2008 brought some great things (it introduced me to Grace). I hope 2009 will be just as good (or better?).

Maybe it will let Grace and I become closer…

I can only hope and pray at this point. It’s not fully in my power.

To preface this post, I am not perfect. I say and do things that are wrong, and I will openly admit that I did something wrong. I am human. Apparently, others do not care and expect perfection as they obviously (think they) are.

So last night in the #writers IRC Channel. Paradox decided that it would be a good idea to flood the channel with 75th Trombone’s first impression of the Guild. I was not expected to suddenly be flooded with harsh criticism of something that BAD, Kato, and I attempt to manage in our own spare time so that others don’t really have to get involved with the “dirty work.” Not that we do much anyway, the GoW does a great job of running itself, so we take a largely hands-off approach.

So anyway, we get flooded with this (without preamble) from Paradox.

75th Trombone: So I just registered at GoW
75th Trombone: Looking around the forums
75th Trombone: And one word pops into my head: BUREAUCRACY
75th Trombone: I see a very unfriendly announcement about needing Guild Representatives. I see stuff about reorganizing the guild and voting to remove someone from a the post of Councilor of S&V, whatever that means, and everywhere I look it’s red tape and middle-managing
75th Trombone: So what’re the chances of them waking up and realizing that no one gives a crap about Robert’s Rules of Order and just getting to some Writing?

Harsh realities. What your your response have been? I am, despite public opinion, open to criticism; however, I am very sensitive about its wording. When you flood me with it worded that way, things usually do not go well (I am notorious for being a curmudgeon). Note: I harbor no ill toward 75th, he actually PMed me about this explaining the situation. It seems that Paradox asked his opinion. It would have been nice to have had it reworded for constructive purposes. What was presented to me seemed like “Oooh, look what 75th Trombone was saying behind your back.” Those of you who know me in R/L know what kind of crap I have taken behind my back, and I do not appreciate getting it in something that’s supposed to be “fun.”

So anyway, I have Paradox and his little helper vaaht jump all over me about treating newcomers poorly. Jesus, when have I ever treated a newcomer poorly? I was responding to the criticism that was presented to me. Then BAD jumps in and all hell breaks loose. We basically argue over why the color blue is named blue. Then, halfway into the argument Paradox posts on his blog part of the chat log… “Ooooh! Look at the evil Hoikas!”

Really mature.

Anyway, argue, argue, argue, bash, bash, bash… Vaaht comes in and starts telling us to “calm down” by calling us idiots and telling us all to shut up. Yes. That is how you calm someone down. My God, is she from Alabama?! So backwards.

Oh, I forgot, vaaht can’t stand the bickering in the community, but she’s so keen to blog about it and jump all in it. For those of you who read Paradox’s post, you should know that is not the complete log as of the posting of this. Maybe he will update it.

Now that I’m done venting somewhat calmly, I’ll rationalize some things.

Q: So WHY did you mute vaaht, Hoikas? Was it because BAD told you so?
No, for those of you who do not realize it, I am not BAD’s “sidekick” to use vaaht’s words. In fact, if you read the log, BAD and I actually differ on some of our statements. We do not agree on everything. I also refuse to be a mindless minion ala Overlord. You people know that I scorn those who do not think for themselves. I would prefer being in the company of the person with the strangest ideas than with the person who accepts everything that is told to them.

Regardless of that, the main argument here was actually between BAD and Paradox. There had always been some form of friction between them. It finally came out that Paradox and some others seem to believe that BAD has some master plan of GoW domination. Utter balderdash, but I do at least understand that it *could* be interpreted that way what with Kato and I seemingly MIA. (Back on topic) Vaaht was doing more to draw BAD’s attention to her than letting the “discussion” with Paradox continue, so I did what I thought best and silenced the one keeping it from happening. It was not nice, but none of us were being nice at that point. We were doing what had to be done, and this little discussion needed to happen.

So on this master plan, it apparently seems that several people think BAD has a master plan of domination and is trying to take control of everything. I have already commented on how ludicrous the thought is to me. Apparently, Paradox has issues with the GoW Council being reduced the three people (Odd, we’re trying to reduce the size of the administration… You want anarchy. We’re being less hands on. Why aren’t you happy?)… Yet he never posted in the topic where the restructure proposal was hammared out. It carried on for about a month or so… No comment from Paradox. He admits that he might have missed it, though I do not see how. It was the topic for discussion for quite awhile in the internal IRC channel.

I hope that shed some light on my decision there, and some of the things surrounding it.

I could continue writing on this subject for a few more pages, but I see no need to continue doing so. I only want some form of defense out there for my name seems to have been dragged through the mud and nuked a few times while I was asleep. Not that I really mind, but I want you to make your own decision. Remember that the world is not black and white as the Puritans believed. Good and Evil are human concepts that differ from human mind to human mind. I reiterate: Make your own decision.

Isolation is a great teacher.

It has taught me that giving up would be too painful. If a small period of isolation causes this much longing and hurt, then what would a denial of myself be like? Much worse, I’d wager.

Chason is right. “She won’t be fifteen forever.”

I am determined, and when that happens, things get accomplished.

She will be mine.

Wish me luck.

I used to not understand why people drag personal issues onto the internet, and I labelled those who did so as pathetic. Well, I think I understand now. It provides an excellent way to get your thoughts out. Well, let’s label me as pathetic.

Those of you who know me even a little bit know that I’ve fallen hard for a certain girl. I’d rather not mention names on this blog just because of its public nature, so we can call her Grace. Grace is a fifteen year old freshman who I only really met this year. I learned that she existed last year. Heck, I might have even been interested in her last year, I distinctly remember thinking that she was interesting, but I was put off by some comments a former friend made, but (last year) I was busy pining over someone else (whose name isn’t important to the overall post, so we’ll not assign her a psuedonym).

I should probably tell this story in order… So, we’ve established that Grace was interesting to me even when I wasn’t conciously paying attention to her. Well, back in August, I made a complete fool (<–insert your own word here) of myself by slipping a note in one of Grace’s friend’s locker. Said friend, who we might as well call Jane, is a pretty cool (and hyper) girl who I thought I liked at the time… But really? I didn’t. It was more of an idle curiosity, if that makes any sense.

So what does Jane have to do with anything? Well, when I finally realized what was staring me in the face regarding Grace (the fact that I’m interested in her), I had a conflict. I had put two notes in Jane’s locker (and thoughoughly freaked us both out… But that’s a different story entirely), and both of them (and even me!) thought I liked Jane… A flip to a close friend would be pretty weird, right? Combine that with my inferiority complex that constantly whispers “Grace is too good for you, Adam. She’s beautiful. You’re hideous. She’s popular. You’re not. She’s great at music. You are mediocre at best.” This caused quite a bit of dawdling on my part.

I was also a bit conserned by her being a devout Christian… I’m a really weird Chrisitan for where I am from. I didn’t grow up in a Church like everyone else did… Heck, sometimes Church makes me sick because of its politics. IMO Church should be about getting closer to God… Not who’s cooking for the youth on Wednesday night. I’m beginning to consider giving Church (perhaps in Alamo, GA, a long way away from where I will hear about the politics that I usually do [from family members]) another shot, but my strange attitudes really conserned me at that point in time.

I’m not sure how long I warred with myself over whether or not I liked Grace, but I finally decided I did. Then began the new war: Should I persue her? I couldn’t help but be reminded of all of my failures over the past five years. I came very, very close to telling myself: No. I won’t ruin my friendship with Grace by trying to persue a relationship. I luckily came to a clever realization: Why don’t I become closer friends with Grace and see what I think then? Around this time, my cousin (and one of my best friends) Lora figured out how I felt about Grace. I would have probably never told her otherwise (Time Reference: Lora confronted me on September 17, 2008–my 18th birthday).

So, I started talking to Grace more regularly… I was “becoming her friend” for two months. There were several factors that caused me to decide to persue her… I would say the most important one is how much fun we had making fun of certain people (who shall not be named)… I came to love the sound of her laugh and the sight of her beautifully white teeth when she smiled. Other important things include how she single-handedly convinced me to vote for John McCain over Barack Obama–something that no one else had managed to do. It wasn’t because of depth of emotion or how her eyes sparkled when she became passionate about the subject. It was because her viewpoint was very well rationalized. I could never hope to be so eloquent even in my best of hours. Finally, the absolute clinchers: Lora told me something along the lines of, “If you ever expect to have a relationship with Grace, then you need to tell her how you feel.” and the fun that I had talking to Grace the night of our Spanish Club dinner at El Aguila.

It was finally decided. I would tell her how I felt. I knew that it would be a very bad idea to actually ask her out–instead, I told her that I was interested in her and that we should hang out together sometime. She agreed about our hanging out, only that we should do so in groups. This caused a snowball of different things, some of which can be seen in my post entitled Ugh. Fast forwarding past Ugh, Tim sent me an email in repsonse that basically said “Good job! Her response seems to indicate she might be interested too.” That put me back on track.

So, I’ve come clean. Good. Now it’s time to hang out! So Grace and I decide to go one night to the Village Pizza in McRae and eat, just me and her… Sounds like fun, right? WRONG! I call her after school to confir, and she relayed what her mom told her, “It’s not that she doesn’t trust you… or me. It’s that I’m only fifteen and am a bit young to be dating…” She goes on to tell me that we should try to do something else in a group. By that point, I’m not listening. I heard: “Adam, I’m rejecting you because you are nothing to me.”

That was the first night I ever cried for Grace… For any girl for that matter.

I had a rough few days, but my friend Chason pointed out to me, “She won’t be fifteen forever.” And from the on, “She won’t be fifteen forever.” was my motto… Until now.

A few of my R/L (and some of my internet) friends knew that I was anxious about giving Grace her Christmas present. It contained two poems, which I have actually posted on this blog (See: My Sun and Mi Corazón). I would dramatize this, but I don’t feel like it. She read both poems and responded with “Thanks, Adam.”

Oh… Not even a “That’s sweet?” Maybe I’m taking it too personally, but I really was upset by her reaction. I send an email to Tim who usually has great advice… His response (”Receiving love poetry is, while awesome, very intimidating for a girl. Especially since she’s a bit younger than you. It’s hard to respond to a poem like that in common words, so I’d say a ‘Thanks’ + Smile + Hug = You did pretty darn well!”), while improved my sanity some, didn’t really help this time around. I’ve been crying myself to sleep for the past few nights, not really understanding why. I’ve never had this kind of reaction to this kind of stuff before. Usually, it’s just anger directed at myself.

Now at this point, I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Do I continue persuing Grace with the motto “She won’t be fifteen forever,” or do I give up now before I fall further in love (or whatever the devil you want to call this… I have absolutely no clue.)? It is true that she won’t be fifteen foever, but I wonder how long I would have to wait… Sixteen? Seventeen? Eighteen? I guess I’m afraid of loosing touch with Grace after Graduation… But really, is it wrong to be afraid of loosing touch with someone you like(/love) this much?

I really don’t know what to say, do, think, or feel at this point. Maybe I need to just lay it all out in front of Grace… Or point her to this post. I have no clue. I’m lost and confused in the void and don’t understand how to get out.

Yes, I have moved the blog once again.

Why?

I like wordpress 2.7! We’re no longer on the Hoikas.com server though because it doesn’t like things like fsockopen >.>. We are running on my old laptop with Windows Server 2003 and IIS 6.0. May God have Mercy on my soul.

My heart beat for nothing.
My eyes cried for no one.
My arms desired no embrace.

The heavens were cloudy.
The sun had set.
Perpetual winter had begun to set in.

Lost in the darkness.
Lost in the deafening silence.
Hope seemed lost.

Then you appeared on the horizon.
The sun was rising.
The blue skies were returning!

My heart beats for you.
My eyes cry for you.
My arms desire your embrace.

You are my sun.

Andrea, mi bella, querida Andrea,
Robaste mi corazón de mi.
Lo tienes en tus manos.
No quiero devólertelo.
Te amo con todo mi corazón.
Por favor, no te parte el corazón de mi.

I can’t help but be disgusted with myself. The past two weeks have probably been among the worst in the past year or so of my life… The days alternate, I’m either physically ill or emotionally drained. There is no middle-ground.

This mess really comes at an awful time because I just told the girl I’m interested in how I feel about her. I didn’t exactly ask her out as I would have normally done, I instead said (I can apparently rhyme) that we should hang out sometime. She agrees but here’s the ringer—she wants to do things in groups. I am willing to that, but those of you who know me know that I hate groups of people.

Now you’re probably wondering how all of this relates? All of these physical/emotional problems have upset my already lacking social skills to the point that I’m beginning to regress into my former extremely antisocial state. Heck, I don’t think I’ve said two words to her since Monday. It shames and annoys me to the point where I couldn’t even bring myself to pick up my cell phone and call her. Pathetic isn’t it?

I don’t even know why I posted this. I probably shouldn’t have because it’s just going to give that pessimistic voice in the back of my head more fuel. “You don’t desever her,” “She’s so talented, and what are you? That geek who can ready the binary a computer runs and actually understands it. Face it, you are nothing.”

I am getting really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I guess I’m just going to have to force myself to be in a better mood tomorrow, force myself to call her, and force myself to talk in general. I don’t think I’m going to get much better until I can spend a good week doing nothing but resting.

On a less morbid note, I have taken the plunge and am migrating to Windows Vista. May God have mercy on my soul.